For Better or Nurse
(SOURCE: horrorthon.blogspot.com)
He Said: It finally happened. I was the one sick in bed and not my wife.
She Said: Why are you so proud that you never get sick?
He Said: Because diseases are like emotions - things you don’t let other people know you have.
She Said: Talk about sick… But I’ll confess, I was glad you got sick. It was my turn to take care of you and I really wanted to. After all, you always take care of me.
He Said: What I do is way more than taking care of you. You’re like that sitcom character who gets sick and gets a bell to summon help - except you enjoy being sick so much, the Act Break reveal is that you’ve been faking it for the last two days!
She Said: The memory of Laura Ingalls pushing fake-wheelchair-bound Nellie Olsen down a hill is still awesomely vivid.
He Said: Anyway, I wasn’t that sick. I just ate some bad oysters at a buffet.
She Said: Considering you ate one (to six) of everything, blaming oysters seems a little cliched.
He Said: Lack of portion control is my dad’s fault. He taught me that you go into every All-You-Can-Eat with the sole mission that they are not making a dime off you.
She Said: Tell him it was that game plan that left you tethered to the toilet all of Monday.
He Said: And instilled in you an insane desire to play nurse - which is way less fun than playing doctor. But you’re wrong. It was a virus, so you should’ve steered clear.
She Said: What’s wrong with wanting to help?
He Said: I didn’t want help. I wanted to be left alone, like a bloody, wounded animal slumped against a tree, gnawing on its fibula. I don’t need some fawn softly mopping my brow, whispering, “Are you okay? Is everything all right?” Of course everything isn’t all right! I just shat so loud it startled the neighbors.
(SOURCE: ncsdconnection.com)
She Said: I did way more than whisper questions at you!
He Said: True. You also offered me some of your holistic, bullshit remedies. For the record, I don’t want to try bee pollen pills or snort the hair shaved from the taint of a monkey. I don’t care what they say it does in Chinatown.
She Said: The healing powers of simian pubes is vastly underrated. I wanted to be there for you. Because I love you, because when you’re sick, I start freaking out about when you might die.
He Said: Okay, so, that’s why I let you get me a hot water bottle.
She Said: And I loved doing it! Sorry it spilled on your crotch.
He Said: Didn’t much matter. At the point, I had hot liquids pouring out of every orifice.
She Said: Hey… when you were sick, did it start with a queasy feeling in your stomach that branched out to your butt hole?
He Said: Oh god… I’ll go get the bell.
STAY TUNED for the Sickly Chronicles of SheSaid… in our NEXT Blog Post! (bring a barf bag)
