I Do Already

He Said:  When it comes to detecting odors, my wife is a freak of nature. She has an amazing olfactory system. A humming bird can fart in the lanai, and two seconds later she’ll look at me and say, “Was that you”?

She Said: It is some cruel joke that I have the better sense of smell and you’re the one who usually stinks.

He Said:  More incredible than her keen gift of detecting all that is malodorous is the specificity for which she defines that offending aroma.  “This drawer smells like a rubber band that was around broccoli too long and went bad.”  “This smoothie smells like strawberries that were kept next to garlic…  I also detect a soupcon of cardamom.” 

She Said:  Hey, if my pillowcase smells like our cleaner’s cologne mixed with caramel and BO, I’m going to mention it.

He Said:  I know you’re going to mention it.  You always mention.  I doubt there has ever been a time when you thought, “this closet has a smell of pickles and baby powder” and then just sprayed it with Febreze® without ever saying a word.

(SOURCE: http://weknowmemes.com/2011/11/febreze-all-the-things)

She Said:  I love Febreze!  I sometimes think of spraying you with it while you sleep.

He Said:  And this is why we came up with a bet.  If my wife could go ONE DAY without saying something stinks, I’d give her $100.  My winnings if she blew it, well let’s just say she’d have to “blow it”.

She Said:  Why is your bet always oral sex?  It’s not like I never do it on my own.  There are times I want something from you.

He Said:  Get to the bet!

She Said:  Yes, the bet.  I started off well.  I woke up, the bedroom stunk like a post-orgy circus tent, yet I said nothing.  At my desk, it smelled like bad hotel shampoo that an angry child had peed in.  Still, I kept my mouth shut.

He Said:  I was getting worried.  It was only a few more hours until bedtime.  Maybe she’d be able to do this thing.  I wondered if I farted in bed during The Daily Show and she talked, would that count?  Then I got lucky.

She Said:  I still believe he set me up.  For dinner he made a wonderful fish dish with a side of… green beans.  They took up half the plate.

He Said:   According to Men’s Health, vegetables are supposed to take up half the plate.  And they were green beans sauteed in sesame oil, sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds!

She Said:  Whatever.  After dinner, while you decided to watch hockey and scream at the referees, I retired to the bedroom.  I should have retired to an open, outdoor tent with fans blowing and oxygen masks because I did some major damage.  However, I thought I might get away with the fort fart I’d built, undetected.

He Said:  It was between periods so I decided to check in on my beautiful bride.

She Said:  I could hear him clomping toward me.  “Don’t come in here!!  It smells like  Death held in a fart for all of Time and just let loose.”

He Said:  I entered the room.  Our eyes met.  Well, I assume they met.  Mine were watering too much to really tell.

She Said:  And I knew I had lost our bet.  Done in by my own stench.

He Said:  I haven’t claimed my “prize” yet, but I’m going to shower before bed because the last thing I need to hear is, “You smell like vanilla extract and Clearasil.”

She Said:  I wouldn’t worry.  When it comes to that, you only smell of one thing.  Desperation.

Years from now, people are going to judge the opponents of gay marriage the same way we judge the opponents of inter-racial marriage.  You were on the wrong side of history, losers.  

Don’t go quoting Leviticus, either, ‘cause if you wanna say God opposes man-on-man, then you better picket the streets if you ever see any of the rest of the stuff he supposedly hates:

- People wearing clothes made from more than one fabric - Come on, we all know Karl Lagerfeld’s a bit of a dick, but not for all those pretty outfits!

- People who curse their mother or father - So… 7 billion people are on a one-way trip to hell?

- People who touch the skin of a dead pig - So much for the Superbowl!

- People who cut their hair.  Or shave - That’s right, every single one of us is supposed to look like this:

(SOURCE: http://www.fortunecity.com)

There’s a lot of other creepy rules to do with women and animals, so if you do believe all these nutbar things, then congratulations!  You are Kevin Spacey in Se7en, Stellan Skarsgard in Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or Rush Limbaugh.

Back to same-sex marriage.  Equality is having the same access.  Doesn’t mean you have to get married.  Doesn’t mean you even want to.

Here’s the hilarious Key & Peele doing a sketch on newly legalized gay marriage.  These guys are amazing.  Watch their show.

She Said:  Remember that book?  The Rules?  It was supposed to tell women how to snag a man without him even noticing.  Its male counterpart was something like The Game, or that movie starring Carey from The Good Wife, or, I don’t know, Tom Cruise in Magnolia.

Anyway, we can shake our heads and chuckle now over its condescending bitchery, but have we really come such a long way, baby?

Take the engagement of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel.  Objectively speaking, Biel is beautiful.  Even if you prefer blondes or Asians or hefty brunettes with excess elbow skin - whatever your fetish, you have to agree she’s hot.  But if he cheats on her (again!), she gets $500,000.  For reasons known only to her and her therapist, she’s decided she’s disposable… for a price.  

(SOURCE: http://www.looktothestars.org)

He Said:  We have a similar agreement in our house.  If I cheat, she’ll divorce me for everything I have and walk away with $500.00.

She Said:  What about Ashton and Demi?  Old news, you say, and in celebrity terms, you’re right.  Now who knows what rules they had in their private relationship, but I’m guessing that hot tubbing with randoms in Vegas wasn’t on the “Go Ahead and Fuck it!” list.  Especially on your partner’s birthday.  But he keeps dating, working, douche-bagging, while she stops eating, starts inhaling Nitrous Oxide and checks into rehab.  She flouted the rules by choosing him in the first place, since everyone knows older ladies aren’t supposed to date younger guys.  They’re supposed to be placed on ice floes and pushed off (or in) to sea.  How strange, then, that the super star woman truly loved the silly little boy.

(SOURCE: http://www.justjared.com)

He Said:  It’s possible the downward slide began when she left John McClane.  Although that did instantly make her a Yippee ki-ay Mother I’d Like to Fucker.  Anyway.  Go on.

 She Said:  Then there’s Rihanna and Chris Brown.  A lot of people on Twitter think we should just forgive and forget.  She did, right?  To be fair, the fans don’t say it in those terms.  They often express it thusly:  ”Chris Brown can beat me all night long!  Team Breezy!! Fuck U haterz your stupid!!!!”  To which I reply, “My stupid… what?” 

Anyway.  These two may be together for nothing more than music promotion.  Or they may be madly in love.  Or they may be friends who used to have a tempestuous relationship where, who knows, they smacked each other consensually.  But here’s the thing: if one person calls the police and goes to the hospital, it’s not consensual.

Three years after such an event, the rules get a little muddy.  Yes, she - and we - can forgive him.  It’s hard, if you’ve read that sickening police report.  But it’s possible.  Still.  It’s on us and it’s on her.  He doesn’t even need to have remorse.  Or heart break.  Or a heart.  He just has to dance on some lighted boxes and scream at us to get the fuck over it.

(SOURCE: http://omgcelebritynews.com)

Married or single, there’s a lot of rules being broken lately.  Do you not want to live like Michelle Duggar with her clown car vagina spitting out kids every 10 months? Well too bad, because a bunch of wizened old men think birth control is the devil’s Aspirin… which you should shove between your knees, or something like that.

Do you not want to be assaulted by your fellow soldiers as you fight for your country?  Well shut up, lie down and take it, because if you’re stupid enough to join the army, you are GOING to get raped.  Relax - it’s friendly fucking, ‘cause it’s your comrade, not some dirty al Quaeda guy!

(SOURCE and ARTICLE: http://www.newscorpse.com/ncWP/?tag=liz-trotta)

Basically, ladies, if you want anything, think anything or imagine anything, you don’t have a hope in hell of making it happen unless someone with a teeny, tiny, flippy, floppy Y-chromosome tells you it’s okay.  

And even then, he can change his mind whenever he feels like it.  After all, that’s a man’s prerogative.

He Said:  I agree with every single thing She Said wrote… but just to be safe, I’m going to go out and get her some flowers.   

She Said:  You’ve all read HeSaid’s falsified heroic account of his one-day illness: how he overcame a virus with only an hour in bed and a Hulkian desire for good health. (For Better or Nurse - Part one)  Well let’s be clear - he was sick enough to pass on those filthy germs to me.  

He Said:  I told you not to hover while I hacked.

She Said:  It’s true.  My heart is forever being punished for loving too much. aaaahahahahahahahaha!  Can you imagine?  Anyway.  I woke with stomach pain and a quick skip to the loo, my darling, and ended up swirling in my own vomitous delirium for the next four days.  Here are some things that ran through my puke-addled mind:

- How do bulimics do it? I am throwing up 9 times a damn day and my jaw and neck and gut are in AGONY. They are staging a coup against me and soon my body will look like this (without the smile):

(SOURCE: http://www.ameramark.com)

- When does the next SpongeBob come on?  This show is genius and the only thing capable of distracting me from the tapeworm that’s obviously shacked up inside my colon.

- God is everywhere! (this thought is accompanied by much weeping and a series of awkward body rolls on the bedroom floor) We just need to be grateful and loving, and stop feeling anxious.  God is inside us ALL!  I see him in the trees outside and not the way my crazy 11th grade French teacher said she saw Jesus sitting in a tree, swinging his sandaled feet.  In a REAL way, like he IS the tree, do you get it??

(He Said:  If there is a God, I want Him to take note that when I was sick, I slept on the couch, and when you were sick, I also slept on the couch.  I do and do and do for you.)

- Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

- “I just threw up in my mouth a little” is something unfunny people who think they’re funny say a lot.  But I just threw up in my hand because I couldn’t make it to the bathroom on time… where I threw up in the sink because I couldn’t make it to the toilet on time.  Now who’s funny?! 

- Oh my GOD, why does it hurt to put on pants?  Not jeans - my giant pink sweats with the gaping elastic waist band.  Ohhh, they’re hurting my sickly thighs!

(He Said:  You think you had it bad?  I had to look at you in those things.)

- Get me some more ginger ale!  And a piece of toast!  Where ARE YOU???????

- I shall stay in this bed forever…

He Said:  If I could, I would have taken all your sickness and transferred it to my body. 

She Said:  Aww!

He Said:  ’Cause it would’ve been less painful than being your indentured slave.  I now know what this poor slob on Downton Abbey feels like. 

(SOURCE: http://www.kathryngreeleydesigns.com/blog)

He Said:  Usually we poke fun at each other in a recurring segment called “That’s you!”  But since it’s the holidays, we thought we’d get into the spirit of giving and do a “That’s us!”  Enjoy.

She Said:  For the record, I’m the skinny one.  Merry Christmas!

(SOURCE: horrorthon.blogspot.com)

He Said:  It finally happened.  I was the one sick in bed and not my wife.

She Said:  Why are you so proud that you never get sick?

He Said:  Because diseases are like emotions - things you don’t let other people know you have.

She Said:  Talk about sick… But I’ll confess, I was glad you got sick.  It was my turn to take care of you and I really wanted to.  After all, you always take care of me.

He Said:  What I do is way more than taking care of you.  You’re like that sitcom character who gets sick and gets a bell to summon help - except you enjoy being sick so much, the Act Break reveal is that you’ve been faking it for the last two days!

She Said:  The memory of Laura Ingalls pushing fake-wheelchair-bound Nellie Olsen down a hill is still awesomely vivid. 

He Said:  Anyway, I wasn’t that sick.  I just ate some bad oysters at a buffet.

She Said:  Considering you ate one (to six) of everything, blaming oysters seems a little cliched.

He Said:  Lack of portion control is my dad’s fault.  He taught me that you go into every All-You-Can-Eat with the sole mission that they are not making a dime off you.

She Said:  Tell him it was that game plan that left you tethered to the toilet all of Monday.

He Said:  And instilled in you an insane desire to play nurse - which is way less fun than playing doctor.  But you’re wrong.  It was a virus, so you should’ve steered clear.

She Said:  What’s wrong with wanting to help?

He Said:  I didn’t want help.  I wanted to be left alone, like a bloody, wounded animal slumped against a tree, gnawing on its fibula.  I don’t need some fawn softly mopping my brow, whispering, “Are you okay?  Is everything all right?”  Of course everything isn’t all right! I just shat so loud it startled the neighbors.

(SOURCE: ncsdconnection.com)

She Said: I did way more than whisper questions at you!

He Said:  True.  You also offered me some of your holistic, bullshit remedies.  For the record, I don’t want to try bee pollen pills or snort the hair shaved from the taint of a monkey.  I don’t care what they say it does in Chinatown.

She Said:  The healing powers of simian pubes is vastly underrated.  I wanted to be there for you.  Because I love you, because when you’re sick, I start freaking out about when you might die. 

He Said:  Okay, so, that’s why I let you get me a hot water bottle.

She Said:  And I loved doing it!  Sorry it spilled on your crotch.

He Said:  Didn’t much matter.  At the point, I had hot liquids pouring out of every orifice. 

She Said:  Hey… when you were sick, did it start with a queasy feeling in your stomach that branched out to your butt hole?

He Said:  Oh god… I’ll go get the bell.

STAY TUNED for the Sickly Chronicles of SheSaid… in our NEXT Blog Post! (bring a barf bag)

(Art Work by Paige Pooler: www.paigepooler.com)

She said:  PeopleOfWalmart.com aside, most people care how they look.  Getting naked with your partner, whether it’s a spouse you’ve been with for years, or a new love you’re trying to impress, can be fraught with anxiety.

He said:  The latest copy of Men’s Health magazine boasted the headline “14 Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Woman” so naturally I thought we’d find some blog material there.  But instead of telling you how to zip your mouth to unzip your pants, it gave you things you actually should say to a naked woman.  “You look beautiful.”  “Your stomach is my favorite place to rest my head.” 

Please. 

We thought we’d step in with better bedroom tips for the bare-assed.

I Do Already’s 14 Things You Should Never Say to Your Naked Partner

She said:  Again?  But we just did it last week.

He said:  Let me just check my email first.

She said:  (in your best Barbra Streisand voice)  You JUST roll ovah, and TURN out the LIIIIIIIGHT!

He said:  I tot I taw a puddy-tat!

She said:  Uh, are you gonna get that looked at?

He said:  Y’know, there’s something to be said for leaving a little to the imagination.

She said:  That reminds me, I forgot to record The Biggest Loser.

He said:  I did!  I did taw a puddy-tat! 

She said:  Well, I’m going to seat our guests.  You get dressed and join us when you’re ready.

He said:  Ah-OOH-ga!  (while squeezing breasts, buttocks and/or genitals)

She said:  Forgive me, Father, for I know not what I do.

He said:  Babe, your pantyhose are all wrinkled, aren’t you gonna take them off…?  Oh.

She said:  Actually, I don’t think “they all look like that.”  Some are even.  And don’t hit the knee. (this is bad for either gender, let’s face it)

He said:  Wow, so I did marry your mother.

He said:  I’ve never given a movie the finger before, but my middle digit was raised high and defiant at the screen that showed Valentine’s Day.

She said:  The film with a thousand stars and no light is out on DVD and some of you may be thinking of renting it.  Do not.  We figured as writers, we should know what’s out there and what’s popular, so we went.  You are under no such obligation.

He said:  Someone in your life may try to convince you that this phony, flaccid flick is romantic, but romance shouldn’t smell like a rotten egg wrapped in cabbage stuffed up a skunk’s bum.  You and your partner deserve better. 

She said:  Here are just some of the reasons we found the movie more noxious than Gloria Allred at a stripper’s convention.  I’d say “spoiler alert!” but Valentine’s Day already arrived chock full of decay.

- Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx go from ignoring each other to being in love in about 42 seconds, all because they trip and fall on a couch at the same time.

- Taylor Lautner shows more range playing a wolfboy in jean cut-offs.

- the only couple with any real chemistry doesn’t get to kiss because they’re gay - one guy pats the other’s hair, but he may just be styling it.

- Shirley Maclaine tells her husband about an affair she had 30 years ago, seemingly to get in a fight and avoid picking up their daughter at the airport… who’s returning from Iraq… for one day.

- Anne Hathaway doesn’t limit her phone sex clients to her cell, so people call her office line and she talks dirty to them at her cubicle.

- Jessica Alba isn’t ready for marriage, especially with the wrong guy - this is deemed such a disgusting character flaw, the movie pairs her up with a dog at the end.

He said: If you want romance and comedy, it seems Judd Apatow’s the only person who’s made anything decent in the last decade.

She said:  But if you’re up for a rip-your-heart-out love story, go to Netflix and check out Roman Holiday, Philadelphia Story, Once, Brokeback Mountain, or a gem among gems, Truly, Madly, Deeply.  (I have to believe JK Rowling remembered this movie when she cast Alan Rickman as Snape.)

He said:  Or you could just watch “erotica” on late night cable.  The characters are more believable, the stories are better, and you don’t feel nearly as dirty after watching it.

She said:  I’ll take single-syllable exclamations for 200, Alex.

He said: This word is your childhood nickname, what rappers call their girlfriends and the sound ghosts make in comic books.

She said:  What is “Boo”?  Also the sound I make when you tell me your theories on ghosts (followed by “Hiss.”)

He said:  That’s because ghosts are a figment of the imagination and I have proof.

She said:  You also claim to have proof that the world’s snakes are personally out to get you, but I’ve yet to see it.

He said:  Don’t mock me about the snakes.  They’re ugly, they can kill you and every one of them hates my guts.

She said:  So ghosts don’t exist because…?

He said:  Ghosts are always dressed, usually in period costumes.  I think ghosts should be naked.

She said:  You think everybody should be naked.

He said:  Listen, why are ghosts always in shawls and evening jackets?   They died, not their clothes.  Their wardrobe doesn’t have a soul, so why is it lingering in the sweet hereafter?  I maintain that a ghost does not need a top hat.  Those creatures should be floating around butt naked.  If ghosts were real, there would be a lot more sightings of spooky pubes.

She said:  That’s a good band name.  So what about all those people - me, for one - who have seen or heard a ghost?  Are we all liars?

He said:  Some of you are.  The rests just have active imaginations.  I find it hilarious that when anything odd occurs in the house, you blame ghosts.  “Oh, my desk chair keeps on lowering on its own - maybe it’s a ghost!”  Yes, it’s the ghost of a midget Staples employee who died when a cargo of chairs toppled on him.  Now he’s doomed to haunt your workspace forever, cruelly lowering your chair.

She said:  Fair enough.  But I’ve had a profound experience involving ghosts.  And at the time, I didn’t jump to conclusions.  I actually assumed it was people I’d heard that night, until they told me the next morning that hadn’t been the case and oh yeah, this place is haunted and there have been multiple sightings, did we forget to tell you that?  So nothing you will ever say will make me believe they didn’t happen.

He said: That’s why I’m better than you on this. 

She said:  “Better than me”?  I admire your skills of persuasion.  Why, you’re almost as convincing as a third grader.

He said:  You refuse to budge on something for which there’s never been any concrete proof.

She said:  I see.  And which one of us has had dreams - ghostly visions, let’s say - during which limbs flail, screams pierce the night sky and menacing whispers beg some spiritual presence to show himself?  Yeah, that’d be you.

He said:  I don’t believe I’m ever going to play for the Calgary Flames or am in the Family Ties reunion episode with Michael J. Fox, but I’ve still had those dreams.  And unlike you, if I ever happen to be haunted for real, say by some hot naked ghost, I will gladly admit I was wrong.  Until then, I’ll firmly believe that you made up that “profound experience” in your head.

She said:  Tell you what - you’re going to have a better chance of seeing a naked ghost tonight than you will seeing a naked wife.

She Said:  Most days, I look at you with an adoring smile so wide it makes my cheeks hurt.  But some days it just bugs me that you never buy the right kind of Kleenex.   

He Said:  Still other days, you express a rage I didn’t know existed outside a refereed cage match. 

She Said:  Point is, I think it’s helpful, when weeping and gnashing your teeth over your partner’s various vexing habits, to recall the time before you met.  The blind dates, the awkward encounters, the painful waiting for a call that never comes.  And while dating can also be amazing - I mean, who doesn’t love the anticipation, the giddiness, the emotional intoxication of meeting a wonderful new guy, your eyes locking over drinks, your hands brushing against…  Wait, what are we talking about again? 

He Said:  How much you love me? 

She Said:  Yes!  I do.  So those times when you feel a little trapped, a little bored, or anything less than deeply grateful for your partner, I recommend making a list of the craziest people you’ve ever dated.  We’ll call it: Top Ten Folks Who Helped Make Marriage a Dream Come True. 

He Said:  We’ll do five each since you only dated five guys before me. 

She Said:  We’ll do five each since people like lists of 10. 

He said:  How many guys have there been?   

She said:  Not that many. 

He said:  When you say “not that many,” do you mean statistically for your age, or mathematically, compared to the earth’s male population? 

She said:  I hate you. 

He said:  And here we go! 

10.  The woman who said she’d recommitted to chastity, but vowed to be sexually adventurous once she was married.   

9.  The guy who calculated my age while I was talking, and responded to my story with, “Oh!  Okay, wow, so you’re a cougar.  Thought about kids?  Tick-tock!”  I was 31 at the time. 

8.  The woman who responded to any question with the “Talk to the Hand” gesture and a loud “HellLOOO?” as in, “HellLOOO?  No d’uh I want you to hold my dog while I shop, pick me up in an hour!  Wait, can I have some money?” 

7.  The guy who asked me to listen to his monologue because he was going to put it on tape and send it to Steven Spielberg the next morning. 

6.  The woman who’d casually announce it was her period at the beginning of each date.  I get it, you’re not having sex with me.  

She said:  I’m noticing a trend here for you… Anyway: 

5.  The guy who said he couldn’t understand men who used the date rape drug because he preferred his sexual partners wild and vocal.  He laughed and admitted he’d thought about using it after sex. 

4.  The woman (fan? stalker?) who made a scrapbook, poster, puzzle and shrine of me, and when I kindly told her that I wasn’t into her, dumped it all off on my front doorstep and lit it on fire. 

3.  The guy who brought the complete works of William Shakespeare on a second date and proceeded to read 11 sonnets in a row while eating chocolate-dipped strawberries.  The date took place outside.  By Lake Ontario.  In the winter. 

2.  The German model who, after telling her I liked Tyra Banks (in her modeling days), said, “Oh, so you like the darkies.” 

1. The guy whose screensaver was a picture of himself.  Naked. 

He said:  Wow. 

She said:  Right?  Buy whatever Kleenex you want.