I Do Already

He Said:  Usually we poke fun at each other in a recurring segment called “That’s you!”  But since it’s the holidays, we thought we’d get into the spirit of giving and do a “That’s us!”  Enjoy.

She Said:  For the record, I’m the skinny one.  Merry Christmas!

He said:  I’ve never given a movie the finger before, but my middle digit was raised high and defiant at the screen that showed Valentine’s Day.

She said:  The film with a thousand stars and no light is out on DVD and some of you may be thinking of renting it.  Do not.  We figured as writers, we should know what’s out there and what’s popular, so we went.  You are under no such obligation.

He said:  Someone in your life may try to convince you that this phony, flaccid flick is romantic, but romance shouldn’t smell like a rotten egg wrapped in cabbage stuffed up a skunk’s bum.  You and your partner deserve better. 

She said:  Here are just some of the reasons we found the movie more noxious than Gloria Allred at a stripper’s convention.  I’d say “spoiler alert!” but Valentine’s Day already arrived chock full of decay.

- Jessica Biel and Jamie Foxx go from ignoring each other to being in love in about 42 seconds, all because they trip and fall on a couch at the same time.

- Taylor Lautner shows more range playing a wolfboy in jean cut-offs.

- the only couple with any real chemistry doesn’t get to kiss because they’re gay - one guy pats the other’s hair, but he may just be styling it.

- Shirley Maclaine tells her husband about an affair she had 30 years ago, seemingly to get in a fight and avoid picking up their daughter at the airport… who’s returning from Iraq… for one day.

- Anne Hathaway doesn’t limit her phone sex clients to her cell, so people call her office line and she talks dirty to them at her cubicle.

- Jessica Alba isn’t ready for marriage, especially with the wrong guy - this is deemed such a disgusting character flaw, the movie pairs her up with a dog at the end.

He said: If you want romance and comedy, it seems Judd Apatow’s the only person who’s made anything decent in the last decade.

She said:  But if you’re up for a rip-your-heart-out love story, go to Netflix and check out Roman Holiday, Philadelphia Story, Once, Brokeback Mountain, or a gem among gems, Truly, Madly, Deeply.  (I have to believe JK Rowling remembered this movie when she cast Alan Rickman as Snape.)

He said:  Or you could just watch “erotica” on late night cable.  The characters are more believable, the stories are better, and you don’t feel nearly as dirty after watching it.