I Do Already

(SOURCE: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/marriage)

Why don’t we say what we mean?

Wouldn’t it be simpler?

Well…

Let’s see…

He Said:  You should wear your hair in a ponytail. TRANSLATION:  I saw a hot chick at the gym with a ponytail.

He Said:  Do you want any of this leftover pizza?  TRANSLATION:  I already ate it.

He Said:  How much longer before you’re ready?  I’m hungry.  TRANSLATION: We’re going to the same sushi place we go to almost every Friday.  Nobody there gives a shit how your eye makeup looks.  Well, maybe put your hair in a ponytail.

He Said:  Uhm… you may not want to go in the bathroom right now. TRANSLATION:   We have to burn the house down and rebuild.

He Said: I love you more than love even knows.  TRANSLATION: Can I get sex?

She Said:  Did you see Ashton Kutcher on the cover of Men’s Health?  I mean, massive cheating loser, obviously!  But he talks about his workout routine.  TRANSLATION:  Please look like him. 

She Said:  Oh, wow, a whole marathon of Storage Wars.  TRANSLATION:  You watch a show about lockers, you don’t get to mock me for watching The Bachelor.

She Said:  She’s cute.  Weird hair, though.  TRANSLATION:  Stop ogling that weird haired chick.

She Said:  Who’s winning?  TRANSLATION:  I couldn’t care less who’s playing, just tell me when the game’s over.

She Said:  Do you notice a weird smell?  TRANSLATION:  Your toxic work-out clothes are creating an in-home Abu Ghraib. 

So, yeah.  Maybe honesty isn’t always the best policy.

(SOURCE: reddit.com)

He Said:  That’s you whenever we have somewhere to go.  Not because you’ll be hanging with me, but because you know somewhere during the trip, we’ll stop at a Starbucks.

She Said:  Did you say Starbucks?  Can we go to Starbucks?  Let’s go to Starbucks!!

He Said:  I hate Starbucks.  Not the ground of the coffee or the corporate monster they’ve become, but the fact my wife loves it so much.  Every venture outside the house is just an excuse to go to Starbucks.  If we happen to buy a new couch that day, that’s a fluke and a bonus.

She Said:  What could you have against me drinking a rich, aromatic cup of coffee?

He Said:  Because it’s a huge ass-pain.  It seems like there’s a billion of them, but whenever you want one, there’s never one available.  I’m doing U-turns on highways, waiting in emergency areas with no parking, then bargaining with hobos and screen writers for a seat, just so you can have your giant Vesuvius.

She Said:  It’s Venti, but whatever. I thought you’d want me to be happy while we grocery shopped.

He Said:  NO!  That’s when it’s the worst.  Curse any grocery store that has a Starbucks.  You disappear for your caffeinated monstrosity and return, basically helpless from the waist up.  ME: “Could you grab the brown rice?” YOU: “Slurp, sloop, smack… aaaah.  Can’t… hands…busy… siiiiiiip… <spill, burn, splash, stain, refill>.”

(SOURCE: http://toonclips.com)

She Said:  This is so fake.  I only spill on my robe at home.  I really should’ve bought one in camouflage or at least polka dot so it wouldn’t look like I’d shat myself every time I put it on.

He Said:  Fine.  You spill at home.  But no matter where you are, this is you when you get that first sip:

She Said:  Okay, Heisenberg, but only if it’s a Verona.  Or French Roast.  Or Christmas Blend or Anniversary.  Hey, we going for a car ride??