I Do Already

He Said:  After my wife had some minor dental surgery (probably just a vigorous bicuspid cleaning) she could no longer stand the intense pain one feels when glass hits lips, and decided for the next couple days, she’d drink with a straw.

Right away, this sent the whole household into a panic as she scoured cupboards and bellowed, “WHERE DO WE KEEP OUR STRAWS?!?!”  Uhm… I don’t think that we “keep straws”.  We’re a house, not Arnold’s Diner.

This answer did not appease my tender lipped bride.  A covert operation was then put into place where we broke into (visited) a Starbucks and stole (took) a couple straws.

This, apparently, was not good enough.  On her next trip grocery shopping, or as I like to call it, “trip where you only buy stuff you need,” she returned home with a pack of 200 bendy straws!  “We won’t need this many straws,” I grumbled.  “We will too,” she replied. 

And wouldn’t you know it, she was right.  She now drinks everything with a straw - water, coffee, orange juice, yogurt.  I know most of us have this image of a woman seductively sipping on her drink as she gives you a come-hither look, but that must only be in the movies.  What I usually see is the equivalent of an underfed six-year-old sucking with all her might to get the last drop of milkshake trapped in her cup. 

And she leaves them everywhere.  By her computer, by my computer, the sink, the table, her bathroom…  The other night as we were getting ready for bed, I noticed one by her pillow.  All I could think was, “I don’t know what you have in mind, but I think I’ll pass on sex tonight.”