I Do Already

She Said:  Years ago, I saw a guy at the Vancouver airport pushing his girlfriend in one of those luggage carts.  They were both laughing, then she spread her arms wide and said, “Jack, I’m flying!  I’m flying, Jack!  Look!  Are you looking?”  And he goes, “Icebeeerrrrrg!” and they laughed harder.  I loved them.

He Said:  They were probably really good looking.  Fugs can’t get away with that.  I just saw a couple in a grocery store doing sort of the same thing - except he was wearing orange Crocs, and hemp Capri pants that also seemed to be bell bottoms, and she seemed to be wearing a table cloth from the 70s.  But man, did they think they were adorable.  She was inside the grocery cart, looking all smug and “aren’t we just like quirky characters from an indie film?” while he hummed Don’t Stop Believin’.  Well I have stopped believing and it’s totally his fault. 

She Said:  Yeah, some couples inspire and some annoy. Then others just make you really super depressed.  I didn’t even know about Prince Albert and this Charlene woman till I read about them on Lainey Gossip.  They had the other royal wedding that nobody cared about.

Charlene looks like Ralph Lauren’s most beautiful model, Valentina: 

(FROM:  http://viloux.com/models/fashion/ralph-lauren/)

The guy, Albert Whatever, looks like a guest star on CSI: Special Victims Unit.  And can I just say?  I’ve seen only two CSI’s in my life, and they were both reruns.  I mean, I turned off the rerun, but how do you watch a show four times and see the same episode twice?  One was about a furry convention where some perv in a wolf costume got shot by a nervous farmer, and the other was about a high-powered business man who had a special little room under the stairs.  No, he was nothing like Harry Potter!  The room was for when he wanted to wear a diaper and a bonnet and roll around in his own poop like a filthy baby.  Why is this show a hit? Someone explain it to me.  Half of it’s about creeps, and the other half is people in tight tops pouring stuff into test tubes.  And there’s, like, five of these fucking things!) 

Anyway, these two got married, and it’s not bad enough that she looks like a model and he looks like he wears lard as an ointment that cures nothing…  

He’s got three illegitimate children!  That’s right, Fatty McSweatsALot cheated on HER!  And apparently she had brief moments of reason where she tried to FLEE THE COUNTRY, but then Baldy HarryTaint’s royal spies or whoever the hell confiscated her passport!!!  So here she is, stuck marrying this moop, and the minute some woman sings a pretty song, she’s crying her eyes out.  Not “Oh, I’m so in love, my life is a fairy’s dream on butterfly wings!”  NO!  These are the tears of a woman who made a deal with Satan and no white gown or diamond hair-thing is going to change it! 

THEN!  Scrotum ShitForBrains has the nerve to look pissed!  He’s all, “Stop crying, bitch, this thing is televised!”  Yeah, maybe she wouldn’t be crying if you didn’t stick it in every (visually impaired, mentally challenged, c’mon, they’ve gotta be, right?) woman you met on your horse tournaments, dirtbag!

Here’s the video, if you haven’t eaten yet or are a sadist: 

I seriously hope she takes a lover and I hope he looks like this:

This is Rodrigo Santoro, a.k.a., The Most Beautiful Man in the World.  Don’t take my word for it - a website called TheHunkies.com features him prominently, so who are you to argue?  I love him because he’s not only crazy-handsome, he looks kind. Look at those eyes!  Anyway, I hope Charlene can find him and make sweet love to him, because nobody should be that bummed out on her wedding day.

He Said:  Fun fact: I once dated a woman who was also dating Prince Albert.

She Said:  There is no way that’s true.

He Said:  It is.  We were at her place watching a movie, she had a couple pictures of him, plus he called while I was there!  Best thing?  She blew him off to hang with me.  Ha!

She Said:  Why have you never told me this before?

He Said:  We were never talking about Prince Albert before.

She Said:  So he has been cheated on… with you!  I still don’t believe it.

He Said:  That’s because you don’t have the royal mind-set like I do.  Now let’s go grocery shopping.  I promise to run you over with the cart if you try to get in it.