Frances. That’s a Real Grown Up Name.

She Said:  I re-watched Dirty Dancing awhile ago and thought what a fetid piece of sh*t the Twilight movies are in comparison to it.  Frances Houseman - named after the first woman in the Cabinet! - is everything that that vapid wimp is not: sweet, funny, brave, and the hero of her own story. 

Since we did a breakdown of last week’s Bachelorette, I thought it would be good to counteract all that bullsh with something awesome.

Here’s the final dance scene of the movie.  Guys, if you learn anything from this, it’s the vital importance of eye contact.  Sometimes I’ll share a meal with HeSaid and he’ll stare at the wall or his knee for large chunks of the evening.  Unless you have two lazy eyes and a timid heart, look your woman in the eye!  Trust me, it pays off.

Let’s watch…

Dirty Dancing - Time Of My Life (Final Dance) (1987)

0:34  Johnny does the ticklish move… she doesn’t giggle!

1:04  CLOSE ON:  Baby’s family - Jerry Orbach looks confused but pissed off, Lorelai’s mom is getting into it, while dummy sister is happily grooving in her coconut bra.

1:18  Crazy head move from Baby which the crowd seems to love.

1:20  Jerry Orbach still confused, still pissed; Lorelai’s mom watches her daughter and utters this gem: “I think she gets this from me!” 

1:30-1:45  Johnny never takes his eyes off Baby.  Also, Patrick Swayze, in tight pants and a shirt open to his navel, looks 100% hetero - this alone is a towering achievement.

1:44  He’s now mentally removed all her clothes in a way that is tender and crazy-hot, but not at all skeevy - another towering achievement.

1:49  Favorite moment in the movie: Baby laughs.  I usually rewind it at least five times on each viewing.  It’s good because then I miss the weird, ho-down leg move she does next. 

1:56  More smoldering eye-contact, more on-stage pseudo-sex, CUT TO: Jerry Orbach, looking ever more flummoxed while his wife fantasizes about taking a few dance lessons of her own. 

2:03  The world’s first and only Charming WOO-GIRL!

2:17  Okay, there is so much amazingness here, it’s hard to keep track.  After Baby smiles and nods, Johnny leaps into the air in slo-mo, like an artistically gifted Neo.  People scream.  Jerry Orbach starts to stand for reasons that are unclear.  Maybe he’d run up and punch Johnny in the crotch, mid-leap? Lorelai’s mom pats his arm, never taking her eyes off Patrick Swayze’s chest.

2:22  ”Hey, BABY!”  Johnny turns back, hair flipping, to face his beloved on stage.  The woo-girl can no longer contain herself and is screaming, leaping and thrusting her arms in the air. 

2:27  Okay, here it gets kind of embarrassing - or maybe just super 80’s - same thing.  CLOSE UP of sweaty Johnny, prancing down the aisle and giving everybody his best, “Oh, you like what you see, don’t you?” face.  CUT TO: Jerry Orbach, sulking and scowling, while his wife gawks at her daughter’s boyfriend like he’s a steak sandwich and she hasn’t eaten in weeks.

2:40  More swag, more pelvic thrusts, then back to Baby on stage.  We get another adorably gorgeous laugh from Jennifer Grey because this is all about her.  There may be a hot guy strutting, sweating and doing random stripper moves on his knees (ah, remember that glorious sketch with Chris Farley?) but all that is secondary to the girl in the pink dress.

3:15  Johnny looks up at her, nods. 

3:16  Baby looks back at him, nods. She’s going to do the lift.  The one she’s never done before.

3:17  She’s helped off stage, then runs toward him…

3:22  … and she’s in the air!!!  She did it!  Any straight girl who’s not crying at this point must be made of granite.

3:26  Jerry Orbach gets up again!  He kills me.  WHAT is he going to do?  Snatch his daughter away from all this happiness?  Jer, enjoy yourself!  Soon you’ll be solving gritty crimes in New York City and you’ll long for the lazy days of Kellerman’s Mountain Resort.

3:30 - 3:39  More of Baby’s ecstatic laughter, fatherly fuming, and woo-girl wooing.

3:41  People get up to join Johnny and Baby in the aisle.  He never takes his eyes off her. 

3:47  Seriously.  This movie should be called Dirty Eye Contact.

4:03  Jerry is getting the truth from Johnny’s ex!  Now he knows that his daughter’s boyfriend isn’t, in fact, a no-good bum who knocked up a girl, then left her to a butcher to abort the baby.  He’s just a super hot dance instructor who brings out the best in people!

4:06  Requisite funny old ladies getting into the music, this time with subtle, lesbian undertones.

4:12  Lorelai’s mom, looking hotter by the minute, is now dancing with… a waiter? I forget if this guy’s anybody.  Anyway, she looks spectacular.

4:16  The rich skank Johnny was banging stands up and walks out in a huff.  She knows true love when she sees it, and wants no part of it!

4:18  The hotel manager basically asks if they can bottle this stuff ‘cause it is gold. Sexy, horny gold!

4:25  Johnny takes a still smiling Baby off the dance floor where he’ll have a brief, but meaningful heart-to-heart with Jerry Orbach and all will be forgiven.

The line everybody quotes and/or mocks from this movie is, “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.” 

But I think the point of the movie is this line from Baby:  ”Me? I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you.” 

It’s a dance movie and a love story, but most of all, it’s about a girl who finally feels like herself.  

Watch it with your wife, your girlfriend, or better yet, your daughter if she’s never seen a movie where the girl is the hero instead of the pawn.  

 Then put on something hot, find a large space and dance your heart out.

He Said: I would have added something to this post but I have never seen Dirty Dancing.  Get off my back!  My wife has never seen The Bridge on the River Kwai and that has damn fine eye contact, not to mention a great tune!

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