Experiencing Technical Difficulties
He Said: Two more weeks till I see my wife again, and it’s got me thinking, she really seems to have a hard time… doing stuff.
When it comes to technology, it’s like she’s surrounded by an Idiot Force Field. She’ll pound at keyboards, scream at monitors large and small, and jab the buttons of every remote like a monkey confused why the banana isn’t dropping out of the feeding tube like it’s supposed to.
Recently, she had 24,000 emails she wanted transferred to her new Mac, because who doesn’t save letters that say “Thanks, got it!” from 2008? I believe she caused the shutdown of the Beverly Center’s Apple store. The only reason the employees didn’t come after her with pitchforks is that she left naked pictures on her old computer.
If you want a show recorded on TiVo, forget it. She’ll delete it, record over it or forget altogether, then say it doesn’t matter ‘cause she can just tell you what happened in the episode! Trust me, you do not want this woman re-enacting any scene from your favorite show. It’s like Jodie Foster in Nell, if she also ruined punchlines.
She’s still not used to driving in LA, so I print off directions and put a GPS in the car. Yet if she ventures anywhere past a 3-mile radius of our home, she somehow ends up lost and screaming through random airport tunnels, or calls me panicked to say, ”There seems to be a lot of Nevada license plates around me. Is that bad? My meeting’s in Beverly Hills…”
Nothing was sadder than the time I came home to find SheSaid sobbing over a dented soup can. I thought it was because she’d run out of Mr. Noodles and had to make do with the canned crap, but she just couldn’t get the electric can opener to work. Or the old manual can opener or the new manual can opener she purchased specifically to open soup. I know it was a douche move, but I opened the can a third of the way with each different can opener until the task was finished. I ended up with tomato soup on my head, but I think it was worth it.
The fact is, this is who my bride is: a bit of a technotard. I won’t say that I find these traits endearing or that, in an odd way, they make me love her more.
They bug the hell out of me.
But I will say that when I get an accidental butt call from her cell, or she tells me all the shows she’s not watching because she “can’t be bothered” to record them, I get an ache in my heart from missing her. It’s gotten so bad that anytime my computer freezes or I see “403 Forbidden”, I get visibly aroused.
I miss you, baby! Now I’ll upload the picture for this blog post. I don’t know why you can’t do it, I’ve shown you a million times…
