I Do Already

He Said:  Remember this name - Gordon Gallup Jr. - ‘cause he’s gonna win the Nobel Peace Prize. Also, the Pulitzer Prize and the Man Booker Prize.

She Said:  What did he do?  Discover a cure for… everything?

He Said:  Please!  The scientific breakthrough you’re talking about is for imbeciles.  Dr. Gallup Jr… or maybe it’s Honorable Lord Gallup… or Greatest Guy Who Ever Lived… anyway, not important, he conducted a study that proved jizz is nature’s anti-depressant!  Women who have huge quantities of unprotected sex lead happier, richer, and it’s probably fair to say wetter lives.  Bravo, Gordon, bravo.

She Said:  Really.  This was an actual study and not some huge lie he was trying to feed his girlfriend.  

He Said:  Oh, he was trying to feed her something all right: 10 ccs of happy cream! Gordon claims that swallowing beats the whole “rinse and spit” method for keeping the joyful nutrients inside where they’ll do the most good.  He really considers the woman’s health and well-being, if you think about it. 

She Said:  What else has this guy discovered?  Having sex while a hockey game’s on increases your team’s chance of winning?

He Said:  I sense some doubt.  Well click on this, baby! 

She Said:  By this guy’s thinking, porn stars are the happiest people on earth.  I’ve seen Boogie Nights and I have a little trouble believing that.

He Said:  See, I’ve seen real porn and I have no trouble believing it. Those actors look ecstatic!  And so positive.  They’re always saying “Yes, yes, oh yes.”  Nary a negative Nelly in the lot.  Now, Lord Gordon admits that the bond created between two happily committed, condom-free people could factor in their happiness…

She Said:  Shocking.

He Said:  But it’s mostly the splooge.  It’s nature’s mood heightening, skin beautifying miracle!  

She Said:  Still not buying it.

He Said:  Yeah, you seem bummed.  Here, come with me.  I’ll put on a happy face.