I Do Already

He Said:  See that happy couple, joyfully picking out a pineapple together?  I bet they’re gonna go home, get naked, feed it erotically to each other and make sweet, sticky love.

My wife doesn’t grocery shop.  I always do it.  By myself.  Now, I’ll admit that I like doing the groceries.  Maybe because I always used to help my dad when I was a boy, I find comfort in pushing that wobbly cart down the aisle.  Still, there are days I wish  I had somebody to pick pineapples with, so I cajoled my wife to come along.  Here’s how it went…

She Said:  Lemme push the cart.  I wanna push the cart!  … You push it for a bit, I want to go check on something.

He Said:  What?

She Said: Greeting cards.  I didn’t even know RALPH’s had cards!

He Said:  That’s because you’ve never been inside one… Hurry back.  We’re supposed to be shopping together.

(10 MINUTES PASS)

He Said:  Where were you?

She Said: I already told you!  Buying cards… Okay, why are we standing here for so long?

He Said: I’m picking a hummus.  There are so many kinds.

(10 MINUTES PASS)

She Said:  Oh my God, the people who make hummus don’t spend this much time thinking about hummus… Oh, magazines!  Cool, I’ll be right back.

(15 MINUTES PASS)

He Said:  Where did you go?  Seriously, I was about to have you paged.

She Said:  I was reading magazines.  This whole trip isn’t about you, y’know.  Can we buy coconut water?

He Said:  Why?

She Said:  Because so many actress’s trainers say to drink it - like, for your skin and to lose weight, and ohmigod, kumquats!  

He Said:  No.  You can’t keep buying food because it’s cute.

She Said:  Yes!  They’re not that expensive.

He Said:  They are, for a thing that will sit in the fridge and rot.

She Said:  Here, don’t get that, get organic milk.  There are hormones in the other kind.  That’s why girls are getting boobs at age 10.  

He Said:  Not true.  There are no hormones in the milk in France, and French girls get boobies at 10.  But they call them tatas. Plus, aren’t you always saying you want bigger boobs?  No?  Okay, then.

She Said:   Ooh, ooh, vitamins!  The Calcium/Magnesium combo is pretty expensive, so I’ll only buy three bottles… Cool, they’re giving out free food.  Do you think they’ll give me more than one?  Ha! Psst.  Look… look… look… look.

He Said:  What?!

She Said:  That’s you!

He Said:  Ha-ha.  Help me pick out some avocados.

She Said:  Sure… wait.  Starbucks?!  They have a Starbucks?  This store is the greatest place on earth.  I’m gonna get a latte.  Do you want anything?  My treat. Can I borrow some money?  No, wait.  I won’t know where you are and I don’t want to traipse around the store carrying two coffees.  I’m not your slave.

As I waited alone in line, I saw a mother with her toddler.  The kid’s face was smeared with icing in a color I’m pretty sure didn’t exist till that day.  She was shrieking and demanding more treats come her way.  That moment, my wife found me in line.  She was carrying star fruit, something she didn’t know how to cut, let alone eat.  ”Look how adorable!” she said, and plopped it in our cart.  The mother and I exchanged looks, both wishing we could have left our shopping companion in the car.

Come on.  I would’ve cracked open a window.