He Said: Since my wife claims this show is never not on in our house, and she’s deemed it trash without watching a single second, I invited her to watch an episode. Here’s what she said…
She Said: Okay, Opening Credits… I guess they’re trying to give these guys characters like a real show. The Gambler (Darrell); The Mogul (Dave) who’s totally that accountant who invites you to all his improv shows; The Young Gun (Jarrod) who’s trying to be menacing but probably has a kitten at home; and The Collector (Barry) who looks dapper and sophisticated until a locker door smashes on his head and I can’t stop laughing.
Dan (the auctioneer) apparently doesn’t merit a cool title, but takes enormous pride in the fact he shares a birthplace - Riverside- with an orange.
Okay, I love Jarrod’s wife Brandi. I like her sunglasses and blue dress and—
He Said: You’re not supposed to be doing a fashion commentary.
She Said: You’re making me watch this. I’ll comment on whatever I want. Hey, they’re arguing! She says he always has to have the last word, and he says she always gets her nails done. They’re just going, “Last word!” “Nails done!” “Last word!” “Nails done!” Can we find them and go for coffee?
Can any man see his belt on this show?
Barry needs his own movie starring Ted Danson as him.
Why do they keep saying the temperature? Does the heat affect sales? It’s 84 degrees and some random is spraying his skull with SPF-Redneck.
Dan’s wife just bragged about the “giant sized unit!” they’re about to auction. Unfortunate time for that woman with the duplex-sized ass to stroll by.
Now a woman’s breasts are taking up 87% of the screen. This is just like The Bachelor! Except hers are real and she’s wearing pleated jeans.
The auctioneer isn’t actually saying words right now. It starts as $500 but devolves to “bladda-bleedah-bloodah-yugga-750-yabba-dabba-doooo… SOLD!”
He Said: Now you know what it sounds like when you tell me your dreams in the morning.
She Said: Dave makes “Yup” a polysyllabic word. YEEUUUUUUUUPP! YUUUH-UHHH-UUP!
He Said: That’s Dave’s thing. He says YUUUP. It’s on his hat, it’s on his truck, it’s his calling card, like saying “Bond, James Bond.” By the way, that will be the only time anyone ever compares Dave Hester to James Bond.
She Said: OMG, Darrell just imitated him! Now I’m in love with Darrell. Don’t make me fall in love with a guy with a beer gut and a mustache. Don’t you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby!
(FIVE MINUTES PASS)
She Said: Darrell! Seriously, this is freaking me out. Why am I now in love with a man with hair on his shoulders?? His shoulders.
He Said: What about the fight Dave’s getting into with Darrell’s son? That’s pretty funny.
She Said: Dave’s just lonely. He’s desperate for any kind of human contact, even if it means getting punched in the face. That is not the point. The point is, Darrell’s trying to turn me on through the TV and I don’t like it! He has a mustache and an arm full of tattoos and is going through boxes of other people’s shit saying “blouse” with a lisp and I’m planning what motel we’re going to meet at.
He Said: You don’t know how to watch this show at all.
She Said: Do we know if he’s single? He just held up a woman’s beaded sweater - to his own chest - and said it would get “at least” 40 bucks. You can’t buy that kind of sensitivity. His son just grabbed a top and said “Look, a shiny one!” Oh, Darrell. I’m sorry you have to deal with this kind of thing from your own child. Darrell immediately said, “That’s called lemayj.” Then they did a sound effect to imply he’d said something stupid. Wow, who would do that to my Darrell? The son says to camera, “Dad. La-mahzsh is for birthing babies.”
Excuse me. You don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ no babies! How do you know your hot dad didn’t just discover a whole new fabric? Huh? Maybe we just don’t know what he’s saying through all that phlegm and mustache!
He Said: Okay, we’re done.
She Said: Wait! I love this show! Barry just duped dumb Dave over a couch!
He Said: Nope. You go watch something else.
She Said: Put this show on a season pass!!!!!
He Said: It’s already on a season pass.
She Said: You always have to get the last word.
He Said: Season pass!
She Said: Last word!
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