He Said: Not too long ago, She Said and I took a shot at writing our own erotica based on the sex lives of us, a happily married, but tired couple. We called it Worn-Porn. For some reason, it just never took off.
She Said: Yeah, kind of a bummer. We were gonna write multiple volumes. It would’ve been known as the “I Think it’s Been Almost Two Weeks” saga.
He Said: It’s probably for the best. Seems there’s this other series of books that might’ve usurped us.
She Said: Usurped us? More like forced us to the bed, ripped our clothes off and made mad passionate love - all while discussing tangy penis popsicles.
He Said: Obviously, we’re talking about 50 Shades of Grey. Written by E.L. James, it explores the sexual awakening of a young virgin as she enters the world of erotic masochism.
She Said: If you haven’t heard about this New York Times best-selling phenomenon, then you must be living under a rock. Or be my mom, who took a solemn vow never to learn anything in pop culture that didn’t have the initials N.C.I. or S. in it.
He Said: Let’s check out some passages, shall we?
50 Shades of Grey: “Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow! … He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no … Will it? How?”
She Said: Christian Grey’s a bajillionaire and still throws underwear on the floor. Does he also clutch them with his toes and kick them into the hamper? Also, if anyone says “Holy cow!” at the sight of your dick, as the hilariously named Anastasia Steele says about 47 times, you are a pedophile because that person would be 12.
He Said: I’m just impressed he was able to put a condom on “his considerable length” so quickly. I put one on my “inconsiderable length” with the ease of a blind man trying to dress a boneless chicken in a mini-wetsuit.
50 Shades of Grey: "I want you to become well acquainted, on first name terms if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this."
She Said: Well, you’ve said that. About your gut, but still.
50 Shades of Grey: "My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves."
She Said: Anastasia is 21, but her inner goddess is a sassy retiree who clips coupons and takes zumba class.
50 Shades of Grey: "My subconscious purses her lips and mouths the word ‘ho’."
He Said: At least her subconscious didn’t spell it “hoe” like people who start Twitter Trending Topics: #YouKnowShesaHoeWhen.
She Said: You Know She’s a Hoe When she agitates the surface of the soil around plants, creating narrow furrows and shallow trenches.
50 Shades of Grey: Christian squirts baby oil into his hand and then rubs my behind with careful tenderness—from makeup remover to soothing balm for a spanked ass, who would have thought it was such a versatile liquid.
She Said: Makeup remover, yes! You know what else baby oil is good for? Untangling a necklace chain: massage a dab of oil onto the tangled area, then use a straight pin to carefully pull apart the knot.
He Said: As for spanking ass, don’t be too loud. All we need is the Knickerbockers complaining about us breaking the Quiet Time After 10:00pm rule. I still think they’re the ones who wrote the Home Owners Association about our “unsanctioned door mat.”
50 Shades of Grey: Christian asks, “Why do some people like cheese and other people hate it? Do you like cheese?”
He Said: Okay, now that’s hot.
She Said: True. You often make me recreate that scene between Marge and Homer where she asks, “Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese?” The answer is yes. It’s always yes.
Anyway, go ahead and pick up 50 Shades of Grey. It might spark something inside that you didn’t even know you had. (Crabs)
He Said: Until then, check out this awesome parody from Saturday Night Live… or I’ll spank your bum. Man, I am really not getting the hang of this.