The Rules
She Said: Remember that book? The Rules? It was supposed to tell women how to snag a man without him even noticing. Its male counterpart was something like The Game, or that movie starring Carey from The Good Wife, or, I don’t know, Tom Cruise in Magnolia.
Anyway, we can shake our heads and chuckle now over its condescending bitchery, but have we really come such a long way, baby?
Take the engagement of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Objectively speaking, Biel is beautiful. Even if you prefer blondes or Asians or hefty brunettes with excess elbow skin - whatever your fetish, you have to agree she’s hot. But if he cheats on her (again!), she gets $500,000. For reasons known only to her and her therapist, she’s decided she’s disposable… for a price.
(SOURCE: http://www.looktothestars.org)
He Said: We have a similar agreement in our house. If I cheat, she’ll divorce me for everything I have and walk away with $500.00.
She Said: What about Ashton and Demi? Old news, you say, and in celebrity terms, you’re right. Now who knows what rules they had in their private relationship, but I’m guessing that hot tubbing with randoms in Vegas wasn’t on the “Go Ahead and Fuck it!” list. Especially on your partner’s birthday. But he keeps dating, working, douche-bagging, while she stops eating, starts inhaling Nitrous Oxide and checks into rehab. She flouted the rules by choosing him in the first place, since everyone knows older ladies aren’t supposed to date younger guys. They’re supposed to be placed on ice floes and pushed off (or in) to sea. How strange, then, that the super star woman truly loved the silly little boy.
(SOURCE: http://www.justjared.com)
He Said: It’s possible the downward slide began when she left John McClane. Although that did instantly make her a Yippee ki-ay Mother I’d Like to Fucker. Anyway. Go on.
She Said: Then there’s Rihanna and Chris Brown. A lot of people on Twitter think we should just forgive and forget. She did, right? To be fair, the fans don’t say it in those terms. They often express it thusly: ”Chris Brown can beat me all night long! Team Breezy!! Fuck U haterz your stupid!!!!” To which I reply, “My stupid… what?”
Anyway. These two may be together for nothing more than music promotion. Or they may be madly in love. Or they may be friends who used to have a tempestuous relationship where, who knows, they smacked each other consensually. But here’s the thing: if one person calls the police and goes to the hospital, it’s not consensual.
Three years after such an event, the rules get a little muddy. Yes, she - and we - can forgive him. It’s hard, if you’ve read that sickening police report. But it’s possible. Still. It’s on us and it’s on her. He doesn’t even need to have remorse. Or heart break. Or a heart. He just has to dance on some lighted boxes and scream at us to get the fuck over it.
(SOURCE: http://omgcelebritynews.com)
Married or single, there’s a lot of rules being broken lately. Do you not want to live like Michelle Duggar with her clown car vagina spitting out kids every 10 months? Well too bad, because a bunch of wizened old men think birth control is the devil’s Aspirin… which you should shove between your knees, or something like that.
Do you not want to be assaulted by your fellow soldiers as you fight for your country? Well shut up, lie down and take it, because if you’re stupid enough to join the army, you are GOING to get raped. Relax - it’s friendly fucking, ‘cause it’s your comrade, not some dirty al Quaeda guy!
(SOURCE and ARTICLE: http://www.newscorpse.com/ncWP/?tag=liz-trotta)
Basically, ladies, if you want anything, think anything or imagine anything, you don’t have a hope in hell of making it happen unless someone with a teeny, tiny, flippy, floppy Y-chromosome tells you it’s okay.
And even then, he can change his mind whenever he feels like it. After all, that’s a man’s prerogative.
He Said: I agree with every single thing She Said wrote… but just to be safe, I’m going to go out and get her some flowers.
