I Do Already

She Said:  To prove my love, I took a course on football.  Not how to play - as if! - but how to watch so it seemed like something other than rows of guys smashing into each other every 11 seconds.  It was called Football 101 for Women and sponsored by the Toronto Argonauts.

He Said: It was a nice gesture.  I’d like to find a male-female equivalent like me watching Once Upon a Time with you, but the simple truth is, there’s nothing in your world that is equal to the glory of being a sports fan, no matter how loud you scream during a Sephora sale.

(SOURCE: http://blog.protectwhatsinside.com/)

She Said:  The football thing was less wives trying to decipher a cryptic game, than it was over-aged woo-girls shrieking at players and pleading for shirt-tucking jobs.  Anyway, I took it and even got hand-outs to study, but I still don’t know what’s going on during 90% of any game I watch.

He Said:  Yeah, when we went to the game the following Saturday (part of the package) and your biggest thrill was watching the gigantic motorzied helmet roar up the sidelines after touchdowns, I figured you hadn’t quite got out of the course what I’d hoped.  You still make the odd attempt to watch a game with me, but the truth is… I really wish you wouldn’t.  Here’s a typical game time conversation ~

(SOURCE: Dirty Button)

She Said:  A man that fat shouldn’t be wearing an outfit that tight.  How can anybody like that even play football?

He Said:  Okay, he’s a lineman, he’s supposed to be fat.  And, it’s a uniform, not an outfit!  They have to be tight.  That’s so defensive lineman can’t grab a hold of you.

She Said:  Sorry, with a gut like that, Ray Charles could grab a hold of him.  From the grave.  Fact is, the most amazing male athletes are ballet dancers.  They can leap in the air with both legs out.  I’d like to see a football player do that!

(SOURCE: http://deoreuben.blogspot.com)

He Said:  Receivers do that!  And they catch a ball and then they get hit by a guy who could bench press me 50 times without getting tired.  I’d like to see your boy ballerina do that!  Also, really?  Is that what you’re looking at - his leap?  Looks more like a junk jeté to me.

She Said:  Maybe if more men in your game showed some bulge, I’d get called for illegal use of hands. Haha!

He Said:  Aauughhh, illegal use of hands is a THING!  It’s an actual penalty. 

She Said:  Cool, that course wasn’t a complete waste.  One more thing - with pants that tight, how come the players have no VPL?

He Said:  What?

She Said:  Visible panty lines.  I mean, not that they’re wearing women’s underwear, just—

He Said:  Please go into the other room.

She Said:  Football’s dumb.