Opposites Attract?
She Said: After all your requests (and all our sulking that no one ever begged this much for one of our posts), we are thrilled to welcome back guest bloggers Gary and Karen Pearson!
He Said: I see she took his last name…
She Said: I see it has fewer than four syllables and doesn’t sound like a particularly alarming skin condition. Without further ado, it’s GARY (He Said) and KAREN PEARSON (She Said)!
She Said: After 18 years of marriage, we sometimes wonder not only how we did it, but how we even got together in the first place. Our families, for instance, are totally different.
He Said: This is where you say how my family is a bunch of rude pigs and completely without manners.
She Said: I wasn’t going to put it that way… because, well, you know….
He Said: Yeah, I know…you’re not a rude pig like my family. Your family is outwardly polite, so it just means stuff never gets said and they have so many unmentioned skeletons in the closet, that if you brought them all out you’d have the coolest Halloween decorations on the block.
She Said: Remember when I made that beautiful stepping stone for your sister’s garden with the kids’ hand-prints in them? I had sweat pouring down my forehead by the time I got their plump, tiny, clenched hands flattened and pressed into the cement at just the right moment of cement consistency. I gotta say, I was pretty taken aback when I handed it to her and she said “What’d you do that for, you stupid ass?”
He Said: That meant “Thank you for the thoughtful gift.” That’s the way my family talks. Direct.
She Said: No kidding. Like when we were at a tourist attraction and your Mom said “I can’t believe you’re still smoking!” to an elderly woman getting off a tour bus, who we assumed was a friend. Nope. A total stranger. That’s direct, all right.
He Said: Somewhere along the line, our advanced genetics told us we could pretty much say whatever the hell we wanted, so long as there was honesty behind it. Your family on the other hand, does what my people would call ‘putting on airs’. So much so that I thought when your Dad said he was from Paris, that he meant France, not Ontario.
She Said: Your first clue should have been the lack of an accent.
He Said: What about your sister’s fake British accent? How did this happen growing up in Don Mills, Ontario?
She Said: Okay, that’s a mystery. I guess I learned a lot of valuable lessons from being a part of your family. Like how you should give yourself enough time to read a book first before you give it as a gift.
He Said: I seriously thought everyone did that. That way, you really make sure you get people good books. Also, when you give it, you can give solid advice to the reader like, “Pay attention to the maid, she gets pretty important when the murder case goes to court.” Anyway, I was always very careful to treat the book gingerly so that it looked pretty new on delivery. One rule: no reading in the bath or on the toilet.
She Said: Gross. Let’s talk about gifts. Your family has no problem using garbage bags as wrapping, whereas my family’s gifts are always packaged with care.
He Said: Our goal is just to obscure what the gift is, not to make it look like it was wrapped by a team of professionals at Williams-Sonoma. We also open them faster without some fake declaration of “I don’t want to disturb this beautiful wrapping.” Of course you want to, you want the present!
She Said: What about leaving price tags on gifts? Tacky.
He Said: I haven’t done that for a long time.
She Said: You left the price on my birthday gift, and that was two days ago.
He Said: But that was for YOU! We share the same money. That’s just respecting your money. A gift is supposed to show that you care. By leaving the price tag on, you show exactly how much you care. The other reason my family does it, is to show what good shoppers we all are. “24.95? Wow, I’ve seen these for over 35 bucks.” “Yeah, I know, I looked around, talked to some people, called in a few favours, and bingo, I got you a blender at a decent price.” Also implied… “Because I care.”
She Said: Do you ever wonder which side of the family our kids will be most like when they grow up?
He Said: Maybe they’ll benefit from the blending of our different backgrounds.
She Said: How so?
He Said: Thanks to your family, they’ll know the importance of a well written thank you note and when they go to a wedding, they’ll know which bread and butter plate is theirs.
She Said: And thanks to your family, they’ll know that family is always welcome no matter what the house looks like, and it’s okay to call from the highway when you’re 10 minutes away to announce you’re coming for a visit!
He Said: Oh, that reminds me. I might have forgotten to mention something…
She Said: Christ!
He Said: I’m kidding. They won’t be here for at least an hour.
She Said: We probably shouldn’t publish this… our families will eventually see it.
He Said: Mine will yell at us and bring it up at every opportunity for 10 years. Yours will never mention it, pretend it never happened or assume you meant some other family of yours. Anyway, you know what I always say…
She Said: Write like your family is dead.
He Said: It’s very freeing…and somehow comforting.
Gary Pearson is a TV comedy writer and showrunner (That’s So Weird) and married to Karen Pearson for 18 years. Find him on Twitter at twitter.com/captainpearson
Karen Pearson is the showrunner of their household, with 3 kids and a dog with issues. Mostly it’s a bit of a drama. When she’s not making wreaths, she can be found on Twitter at twitter.com/kshelbypearson
