I Do Already

He Said:  My wife will often hug me and tell me she doesn’t know what she’d do if I was to die first.  I assure her that I plan to outlive her, which makes her immediately wish me dead.

She Said:  The truth is, unless we’re hit by a giant meteor, one of us is going to go first and since I’m younger, female, eat healthier, act nicer and am more upbeat, I’m betting on you, tubs.

He Said:  Well, you better hope it’s you, because you are going to be a whole lot worse off if it’s the other way around.

She Said:  Name one thing I couldn’t do without you.

He Said:  I’ll name five.

The Top Five Things My Wife Couldn’t Do if I Should Die First.

5.  USE TiVo  I guess it’s this generation’s VCR without the flashing 12:00, 12:00, 12:00, but face facts, with me dead, you’ll be running out of every meeting, appointment or dinner date just to get home in time for commercials.

4.  PROPERLY TIME THE MICROWAVE   I don’t know why you can’t remember “Two minutes.”

3.  KILL BUGS  Sure you’ll do what you always do, run around screaming as you try to squash them with a  Kleenex box, but, like always, they will escape to come back and stalk you for another day.

2.   FILL THE BRITTA JUG  I should’ve told you this long time ago, but the fact that one day it’s empty and the next day it’s full is because I refill it.  This is now what Santa Claus does on his off season.

1.   FIND ROUTES ON GOOGLE MAPS THAT DON’T USE FREEWAYS  You’re going to have to get on one one day, you know, and not just with your driving instructor.  Probably on the way to my funeral, since I won’t be alive to tell you how to stay off the 405.

She Said:  You think that your life would be so easy without me?  Aside from the devastating, non-recoverable heartache, there’d be a lot of other things that would make life unlivable.

The Top Five Things My Husband Couldn’t Do if I Should Die First.

5.   GET OUT OF AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS (that you inevitably started)  You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve had to interrupt a party conversation with a desperate, “Oh, he’s just kidding.  He doesn’t really feel that way!”  Well, unless you’ve talked to my husband at a party.

4.  CLOSE THE CUPBOARDS  This must be genetic as his brother does it too, but when He Said exits a kitchen, it is some Sixth Sense shit in there.  For the first year of our marriage, I thought our place was haunted.

3.  NOT STINK  Remember when you came home from a three-minute walk and your shirt was wetter than an audience of MILFs at a Tom Jones concert?  You wore that shirt the next day.

2.  LET IT GO  There’s a lot of douchebags and fucktards in the world.  They’re not all out to get you.  

1.  MARRY, DATE OR OGLE ANOTHER WOMAN  I will haunt you like Eva Longoria in that bad rom-com from a few years ago that nobody saw.  And I won’t even try to be funny.

He Said:  Fine.  We’d both be miserable if the other one goes first.  I guess that can only mean one thing.

She Said: Murder-suicide?

He Said: And that’s why you’re my soul mate.