I Do Already

He Said:  When I think about what my wife must have been like as a young girl, I imagine a pale, skinny child, lower lip jutting out and trembling as she holds back tears. 

“I do so hate turnips,” she’d mewl to a staff of servants probably dressed in animal costumes, “and I refuse to eat them!” 

I then imagine her poor, shat-upon staff force-feeding each other said turnips as she gleefully hopped from foot to foot shouting, “Give more to Nanny Bea!  Give more to Nanny Bea!  She has a face like a foot!”

For some reason, she is always English in these scenarios.  Perhaps because the British have a history of literary spoiled brats like Veruca Salt, or maybe because an English accent is the only one I can kinda do.

My mind wanders to such scenarios because SheSaid’s irritation threshold is about 1.5 seconds.  At a restaurant, she’ll chew something for three bites before spitting it out in a napkin and announcing, “I don’t like this.  It’s too fishy.”  “Fine, I’ll eat your mackerel,” I always seem to offer.  ”You can have my really good meal.”

On immediately arriving home, it’ll be, “It’s so hot in here.  I’m gonna die of heat stroke!  I’m turning on the AC.”  She won’t just nudge the dial so it kicks in - she will crank that thing till the room could freeze meat.

I once bought her a new brand of cereal (that she just had to try).  She didn’t hate it but she definitely didn’t like it.  “Will you at least finish the box?” I asked.  “Why would I eat something I didn’t like?  Life’s too short.”  She’s all “seize the day” when it suits her, and “who gives a shit” when it doesn’t.  She’s the one who made me buy 12 bottles of some gross yeast drink that seemed to be incubating sea monkeys because Oprah or Craig Keilburger said it made your poop float… or sink, whatever healthy ones are supposed to do.  Who can ever really keep up with Oprah and her bowel movements?  Lord knows I’ve tried.

Fact is, when Veruca Salt demanded a golden chocolate egg and sang “I Want it NOW!” while trashing a room in the classic Willy Wonka movie, she fell down the rubbish chute and into an incinerator.  Now, I’m not making any threats!  All I’m saying is SheSaid should be very careful the next time she throws that bag of dried, spicy mangoes that she bought on a whim, down the condo garbage chute.  Vengeful Oompa Loompas could be anywhere…