It’s the tenth anniversary of one of the loveliest, saddest, realest movies about love. Let’s celebrate. :)
When ya man get off work at 9 and he pull up in the drive way at 11
He come in with a shamrock shake and a 20 piece
WHEN I DON’T BRING MY WIFE COFFEE FAST ENOUGH. #HeSaid
He Said: Like all Los Angelarians—
She Said: Angelinos.
He Said: Angelites?
She Said: Nope.
He Said: LA people, whatever, we were awoken by this morning’s earthquake.
She Said: At first I thought it was you trying to get quake up sex. BOOM! Gold, Jerry, gold.
He Said: Turns out, the quake was a 4.7 on the Richter scale, which I’ll admit is a measurement system I don’t understand. If it was 8, I know we’d probably be homeless, but other than that, I kind of don’t get it.
She Said: Anyway, we followed earthquake protocol and did what you’re supposed to do: went online and made jokes about it.
He Said: To be fair, I ran back into the bedroom to see if you were okay. You said “Whoa, scary,” rolled over and went back to sleep. Then I went on Twitter. Later, we reflected about what life would be like if one of us had not made it out of the hypothetical rubble.
She Said: Here are the 8 TOP WAYS in which our lives would be different if we were left alone in an earthquakey world:
He Said: For one, you would never be able to have anything scanned. You’d have to go to Staples and make googly eyes at the red-shirted kid behind the counter to get your scanning needs done for a reasonable price.* (*an HJ behind the filing cabinet display)
She Said: Your bathroom sink would never be free of whiskers. Instead, they would pile up, shave after shave, eventually forming some terrifying, hirsute monster that killed you as you trimmed.
He Said: Without me to fill up the car, you’d drive until it ran out of gas. You would then leave it on the side of the road, like in some post-apocalyptic nightmare, and trudge through the barren wasteland till Staples Kid drove by and took pity on you.* (*demanded another HJ to drive to you the nearest food court)
She Said: At least I’d be able to drive the car into the ground. Without me, you’d never get out the door to go to my funeral because I’m the only one who can ever find your keys.
He Said: Good luck watching Scandal any night but on its scheduled broadcast. Shows don’t magically appear on the TiVo, did you know that? Somebody actually has to program them.
She Said: Good luck to you at parties where everyone you’ve ever met becomes awkward, then annoyed, then enraged as you try and fail to remember their names.
He Said: Do you want to take a little break and have some water? TOO BAD - there is none! You never fill up the jug in the fridge. And! If you want plain ol’ tap water, that’s gone too, since you took so many 20-minute showers in a state famous for its crippling drought.
She Said: Fine. You win this round. Take a good look at yourself in the mirror. Oh, you can’t, because it’s covered in disgusting floss shrapnel.
He Said: You know what? Truce. No one would put up with either of us, so let’s stay together till the world ends.
She Said: Cool.We’ll be united in our gross disregard for common decency.
LIFE Magazine’s Guide to Kissing, 1942