I Do Already

She Said:  My husband’s in Toronto and I’m on my own for a few weeks.  Here’s what I’ve been up to!

(1) The second the door closes behind him:

Well, not right away.  I precede it with a couple Horatio Cane quotes:  

“Looks like the verdict is in… (PUTS ON SUNGLASSES) but the husband is out.”  YEEAAAAAAHHH!!! 

“Seems your husband’s allergic to cats.  While the cat’s away… (PUTS ON SUNGLASSES) the mice will play.”  YEEAAAAAAHHH!!!  

Okay, shut up, they’re not all gonna be winners.

(2) Next up?  The celebratory dance.  Be patient.  I really get going after the 20-second mark:

(3) I carefully put my shoulders back in their sockets and wander the house looking for mischief.  Find none.  Move on to next stage of my alone time: watching massive amounts of television.

* Enlightened (pace yourself with this show because it is just too hard on your heart to watch a bunch in a row - but have your mind BLOWN TO KINGDOM COME when you realize Damon is also Deacon on Nashville and… wait for it… Chip from Whose Line is it Anyway!!!!!)

* Archer (as far as cartoons go, I’ve had one main crush: Boomhauer from King of the Hill.  Thanks to H. Jon Benjamin, I now want to go Cool World on Archer AND Bob Belcher)

* Happy Endings and the aforementioned Nashville.

(4) After all that stimulating tee-vee goodness, I’m kinda bored.

(http://ahunnerpursent.tumblr.com/)

(5) I pry my buttocks off the couch (okay, bed…  okay, floor) and head to the gym.  

Turns out there’s a new instructor.  Turns out he looks like Channing Tatum.  Like, exactly like Channing Tatum.  Like, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to concentrate on anything but his Channing Tatumness.  So I don’t.  I do this:

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As I contemplate the possibility that it really is Channing Tatum, and he’s doing a stealth promotion for G.I. Joe where he drops in on random gyms to graciously teach lesser beings, he heads to the back of the room and changes his sneakers.  

And then… 

(http://plushyrumps.tumblr.com)

Oh dear.  

Oh God.  

This is some brink of hell, burning lake, pestilence and war shit.  Anyone study Paradise Lost? 

… black it stood as night, fierce as ten furies, terrible as hell…

Yeah, times that by a THOUSAND and you have some idea of the smell unleashed by his feet.

(http://pussyprivilege.tumblr.com/)

My Channing would never subject a room full of innocent people to a stench that Satanic.  Clearly it was just a regular (though super hot) guy with a monolithic foot odor problem.  Just as clearly, I feel the need to talk about it, loudly, after class, not noticing the guy’s girlfriend is standing four feet away.  So I’m laughing and shouting things like “insane stench!” “no, not B.O., FEET!!” and “Oh my GOD, I was throwing UP!” and they’re like:

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I’m a horrible person.  Still.  Let’s just hope he gets the medical attention he needs. 

(6) Back at home, a weird feeling comes over me.   What is this…?

(http://alexsssi.tumblr.com/post)

Wait, I’ve had this before.  I miss my husband!  Will I ever get over the sads?

(7) I take a look at my To Do List and realize I have a poop-ton of work to do.  GAK!!  Screw sadness, time to get busy, bitch!  

(http://im-an-imperfectly-perfect-person.tumblr.com)

(FROM: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/13-things-roger-ebert-said-better-than-anybody-else)

He Said:  We make lots of fun on here of my wife’s cooking skills.  HINT: she has none.

She Said:  These brilliant Henry’s Kitchen videos are a hilarious reminder of just how inept some people (me) can be in the culinary arts.  

My brain can’t even process how much I love this.  Check out more Henry’s Kitchen on YouTube and follow Henry on Twitter!  https://twitter.com/Henlips

A couple months ago, we posted the beautiful, Oscar-winning short, PAPERMAN.

Thanks to one of our favorite readers, Gary Pearson  we found College Humor’s parody, PAPERMAN THREESOME!

(http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6875542/paperman-threesome-parody)

She Said: I didn’t put Heath Ledger on my Freebie Five list because, let’s face it, it’s unseemly to say you want to sleep with a dead guy.

But if I may speak cheese, HE IS ON THE LIST IN MY HEART. And he has been since 10 Things I Hate About You.

When he sings to Julia Stiles in front of the whole school, stepping down the stairs like a debonair version of Oz’s Scarecrow, he wins you over instantly and forever. The fact he still does those crazy high kicks while being escorted away by cops, then smacks a cop on the butt, is just the cherry on top of the cupcake that is this movie.

I once thought that his physicality in The Dark Knight was like nothing I’d ever seen before.  But I had.  Just with the same actor.

Obviously, his Patrick Verona isn’t as extreme as the Joker, but he throws his body into the role the same way.

Also - gasp! - did you know that Ennis Del Mar means “Island of the Sea”?  When he was all mumbly and isolated and hardly looking at anybody in Brokeback Mountain, he embodied that!  And here’s something else: the last line of the movie isn’t even a complete sentence.

“Jack, I swear…”

I mean, my GOD, people, don’t even try to tell me this isn’t THEE most gut wrenching, sob inducing, full body spasm of a love story. The only one that comes close is Truly, Madly, Deeply.  Seriously.  Maybe I’ll do another post about when Jamie’s ghost appears to accompany Nina on the piano.  If I can see through all this salt water in my eyes.

In the meantime, since you’re on a high from Heath’s glorious serenade above, let him break your heart in a gajillion little pieces when he discovers that Jack kept his shirt all this time.  I can’t even stand it.

He Said:  My wife is a powerful woman, and often communicates without saying a word…

(SOURCE: http://shechive.files.wordpress.com)