February 2012
3 posts
6 tags
The Rules
She Said: Remember that book? The Rules? It was supposed to tell women how to snag a man without him even noticing. Its male counterpart was something like The Game, or that movie starring Carey from The Good Wife, or, I don’t know, Tom Cruise in Magnolia.
Anyway, we can shake our heads and chuckle now over its condescending bitchery, but have we really come such a long way, baby?
Take...
I Do Already (Outsourced Version)
We’d like to welcome back guest bloggers Gary and Karen Pearson! Follow them on Twitter @captainpearson @kshelbypearson.
She Said: You know what one of my favourite games is?
He Said: Well, I know it’s not Scrabble, because you’re a really sore loser.
She Said: Is it really necessary to do an end zone dance EVERY time you play all your letters? I was talking about the one where we’re...
Tell Her Straight Out
Sometimes you just have to look your woman in the eye sockets and say, “Biiiiiitch!” Other times? You just have to watch this brilliant sketch from KEY & PEELE:
http://www.comedycentral.com/shows/key-and-peele/index.jhtml
January 2012
6 posts
What's Mine is Yours Except When it's Not
He Said: I’ll admit it, sometimes I hate sharing. Call me childish, but sharing can ruin everything. I remember once offering my wife a beer. Her response, “No thanks, but I’ll split one with you.” I’ll split one with you? I’d rather not drink than split a beer. Six ounces of beer is just enough to piss me off. I’ll split a case if you’re...
3 tags
Conversion: The Spouse to English Dictionary
(SOURCE: http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/marriage)
Why don’t we say what we mean?
Wouldn’t it be simpler?
Well…
Let’s see…
He Said: You should wear your hair in a ponytail. TRANSLATION: I saw a hot chick at the gym with a ponytail.
He Said: Do you want any of this leftover pizza? TRANSLATION: I already ate it.
He Said: How much longer before...
THAT'S YOU! Swimsuit Edition
He Said: It’s mid-January, but here in LA, the sun is shining… or maybe turning its face in shame in the face of such breath-taking beauty.
5 tags
Starf**ks
(SOURCE: reddit.com)
He Said: That’s you whenever we have somewhere to go. Not because you’ll be hanging with me, but because you know somewhere during the trip, we’ll stop at a Starbucks.
She Said: Did you say Starbucks? Can we go to Starbucks? Let’s go to Starbucks!!
He Said: I hate Starbucks. Not the ground of the coffee or the corporate monster...
Clothes Whores
She Said: This is what HeSaid and I wore on Christmas Eve. I did my hair all flippy-like so I’d only need to mascara one eye, and he made sure the crotch of his jeans hovered just above that rash on his knee.
It goes without saying, but when a couple looks this good, she doesn’t need hands and he doesn’t need feet.
The magic was captured by our eight year-old niece who...
5 tags
For Better or Nurse... the Continuing Story
She Said: You’ve all read HeSaid’s falsified heroic account of his one-day illness: how he overcame a virus with only an hour in bed and a Hulkian desire for good health. (For Better or Nurse - Part one) Well let’s be clear - he was sick enough to pass on those filthy germs to me.
He Said: I told you not to hover while I hacked.
She Said: It’s true. My heart is...
December 2011
2 posts
3 tags
Season's Greetings! "That's Us"
He Said: Usually we poke fun at each other in a recurring segment called “That’s you!” But since it’s the holidays, we thought we’d get into the spirit of giving and do a “That’s us!” Enjoy.
She Said: For the record, I’m the skinny one. Merry Christmas!
8 tags
For Better or Nurse
(SOURCE: horrorthon.blogspot.com)
He Said: It finally happened. I was the one sick in bed and not my wife.
She Said: Why are you so proud that you never get sick?
He Said: Because diseases are like emotions - things you don’t let other people know you have.
She Said: Talk about sick… But I’ll confess, I was glad you got sick. It was my turn to take care of you and I...
November 2011
7 posts
Respect His Time
She Said: HeSaid and I are apart this week, so we’ll talk on the phone and Skype. That made me think of a few things:
(1) My possible, slight, not-that-big-a-deal habit of wanting to keep talking after he’s done talking. It’s not like he’s sulking or giving me the silent treatment. It’s when we’ve had a great chat and I just don’t want to end the...
2 tags
Dishing the Dirt
She Said: My husband I agree that the key to a successful marriage is compromise.
He Said: Actually I said it was surprise blow jobs in the shower, and she said it was me “listening, really listening” to her dreams, so this whole compromise thing was the best we could come up with.
She Said: We also agree that each partner is going to bring into a marriage their way of doing...
Our Very First Threesome ~ Parental Discretion...
(SOURCE: http://www.fanpop.com)
She Said: Last year, I Do Already did a guest post on Max-Logic, a smokin’ sex and relationship blog from writer Maxine. (http://max-logic.com/) It was one of our most successful posts, partly because it was so much fun, but mostly because her blog is way, way more popular than ours. It’s not hard to see why, with smart, sensitive and sexy posts, seven days...
That's You! (Pet edition)
She Said: That’s you watching sports with your Stampeders Tshirt that’s too short and creeps up on you. No, that’s not fair - the cat doesn’t have nacho crumbs all over him.
He Said: Nice. Is my team winning or losing?
She Said: Can’t tell. Can’t ever tell. That’s your neutral face.
Dial M for Meddling
He Said: I’ve been using the phone since I was eight, and even though I may be rather quick on the “good-byes” (eg: FRIEND: “And that was the last time I ever saw my dad…” ME: “That’s sad… okay, gotta go, talk to you later!”) I’m still pretty good at the whole thing. Or so I thought until I got married. That’s when my...
Ballin'
She Said: To prove my love, I took a course on football. Not how to play - as if! - but how to watch so it seemed like something other than rows of guys smashing into each other every 11 seconds. It was called Football 101 for Women and sponsored by the Toronto Argonauts.
He Said: It was a nice gesture. I’d like to find a male-female equivalent like me watching Once Upon a Time with...
Opposites Attract?
She Said: After all your requests (and all our sulking that no one ever begged this much for one of our posts), we are thrilled to welcome back guest bloggers Gary and Karen Pearson!
He Said: I see she took his last name…
She Said: I see it has fewer than four syllables and doesn’t sound like a particularly alarming skin condition. Without further ado, it’s GARY (He Said)...
October 2011
6 posts
Modern Love by Sarah Healy
Beautiful article by Sarah Healy from today’s New York Times. Not funny, just cool:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/30/fashion/when-the-words-dont-fit-modern-love.html?ref=marriages
100 Times and Counting...
She Said: You have to read this article!
He Said: Is it about how extra fat around the waist is going to kill me? Or have you found a different topic to lovingly share?
She Said: It’s about this couple who renewed their wedding vows… for the 100th time.
Couple Gets Married For The 100th Time
FROM: Jezebel
Lauren and David Blair of Tennessee married in 1984, but...
The Nose Knows... and So Do Most Women
She Said: Have a look at this picture…
He Said: She’s nice… ish. She kinda looks like the girl I’d go after in high school because I might just have a chance.
She Said: Sure, okay. But maybe… can we agree… she doesn’t look quite as gorgeous as this?
He Said: I’d never have a chance with her. She’s the woman who’d tell her...
That's You! (fanny pack edition)
She Said: That’s you going to the gym. Not sure why you need the 3-pound vinyl gut goiter, but I’ve never seen you head off without it. One day, someone’s gonna mistake you for a wealthy, yet slow-witted tourist and jump your ass.
He Said: The gym is the only time I ever wear it, and it makes sense. This way my stuff (keys, wallet, dignity) won’t get stolen in the...
If I Should Die Before I Wake... or just first...
He Said: My wife will often hug me and tell me she doesn’t know what she’d do if I was to die first. I assure her that I plan to outlive her, which makes her immediately wish me dead.
She Said: The truth is, unless we’re hit by a giant meteor, one of us is going to go first and since I’m younger, female, eat healthier, act nicer and am more upbeat, I’m betting...
If Looks Could Kill...
SheSaid: Sometimes, when we’re really excited about something, we forget our surroundings. Or our belongings. Or… other things.
Best part of this video is the wife’s expression, 30 seconds in…
HeSaid: She looks like that ‘cause he dropped. Their. Child. You look like that when my shirt inches up and exposes my belly.
SheSaid: Horror comes in many...
September 2011
5 posts
While You're Out...
He Said: I’m going out to look at laptops.
She Said: Could you pick me up some avocado rolls?
He Said: You have no idea what Office Max does, do you?
Just a Whine of the Times...
He Said: When I think about what my wife must have been like as a young girl, I imagine a pale, skinny child, lower lip jutting out and trembling as she holds back tears.
“I do so hate turnips,” she’d mewl to a staff of servants probably dressed in animal costumes, “and I refuse to eat them!”
I then imagine her poor, shat-upon staff force-feeding each other...
Artist's Rendition
We have some pretty cool followers! Thanks to the awesome @DaPrude for her art work and support. Of course #Shesaid is smiling in this interpretation. You can bet #Hesaid is rolling his eyes.
Be sure to follow @DaPrude on Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/DaPrude
The Seven Year Twitch
BECAUSE THERE’S JUST NOT ENOUGH SEX ON THE INTERNET, HeSaid and SheSaid try their hand at writing erotica. But this ain’t your everyday smut - this is niche, guys. This is special. Frankly, this is where none of your fantasies come true…
SEX AND THE PITY
… She looked at the underwear that barely encased his soft,...
4 tags
My Pain, Your Pleasure
She Said: This week we are thrilled to announce we have our first GUEST BLOGGERS!
He Said: Thrilled because not only are they one of our favorite social network couples, but we also get time off from writing this thing.
Please welcome GARY (He Said) and KAREN PEARSON (She Said)
(IMAGE from: http://www.oprah.com)
He Said: If my wife really loves me deeply, why is her favourite thing in...
August 2011
7 posts
Order Up!
(Image from: http://www.humor-articles.com/dont-play-with-your-food/)
SheSaid: When I lived on my own, friends and relatives seemed strangely fascinated by my domestic habits. ”Do you manage to feed yourself?” was a favorite question. It was sweet! I enjoyed it as much as I do when average-heighted people ask, “Do you have trouble finding clothes?” I usually reply,...
Literary Criticism
(IMAGE FROM: http://www.fanpop.com)
SheSaid: So HeSaid is reading the second installment in the Hunger Games series. I told him the books were amazing, but he still needed outside confirmation (ie. reviews, opinions from guys) before starting. Anyway, I asked him how it was going…
SheSaid: Who are you voting for, Gale or Peeta?
HeSaid: I don’t know. I’m not really...
That's You ~ Health Food Edition
SheSaid: That’s you, trying to get your 3 servings of fruit a day.
Is This Chair Taken?
He Said: I love this chair. We bought it about a year ago, and I made one rule: don’t pile it up with junk. Don’t drape your bras and blouses and girlie things all over it. It’s not a stationary bicycle in the rumpus room, people will actually use it. Yes, I believed the rule did not apply to me. This belief was justified. Any time I want to sit in this chair, I first...
Those Were the Days?
He Said: The other day, my wife got this dazed look on her face and said, “remember when you ran up the front steps of my old apartment and hugged me, saying I’d never looked more beautiful?” So I said, “Remember when you told me I never got morning breath, but now you smother me with a pillow if I breathe too hard in your direction?”
She Said: First of all, my...
The Last Straw...
He Said: After my wife had some minor dental surgery (probably just a vigorous bicuspid cleaning) she could no longer stand the intense pain one feels when glass hits lips, and decided for the next couple days, she’d drink with a straw.
Right away, this sent the whole household into a panic as she scoured cupboards and bellowed, “WHERE DO WE KEEP OUR STRAWS?!?!” Uhm… I...
Just Add Water... Please!
He Said: There’s an old joke about the wife who’s such a bad cook, she can’t boil water. Well…? My wife forgets to add water altogether. Only the smell of charred MSG and melting plastic alerts her to her mistake.
She Said: Weirdly, it didn’t smell that bad this time. Yeah. I’ve done this before.
July 2011
8 posts
What is This?
He Said: Does any guy know what this is? My first guess was a chin strap for small-faced guys that would enhance oral sex. You’d put this baby on, dive into that muff, and the little hair on top would tickle her to ecstatic heights.
Then I thought it was a wig for a turtle who wanted to look macho. Or a fake mustache for children…
They’d strap it around their tiny...
Game Night
HeSaid and SheSaid play Trivial Pursuit…
She Said: What is the second smartest animal, after man?
He Said: Woman?
She Said: Screw you, it’s dolphin.
He Said: So woman is third?
The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Whoo-hoo!
He Said: So, SheSaid and I were hiking Runyon Canyon and having several “That’s you!” sightings…
(Photo from: http://www.ssqq.com/stories/advent44.htm)
… when we passed two shirtless guys who I very much wish were me. These guys were hot and had amazing bodies.
(Photo from: http://www.ipernity.com/)
No, that’s not them. But here’s our...
Toilet Paper Heart
He Said: Any of you who follow our blog may remember we have a game where we hide finished rolls of toilet paper on the other. Well, with Shesaid out of town for the last month, I had a lot of opportunity to surprise her with hidden rolls… of fat, sadly, but also of toilet paper. Follow my TP genius -
Hmm, I wonder if this is how Richard Gere got started… And yeah, I’m...
The Fighter
(Photo from: http://heavenawaits.wordpress.com/)
INT. BEDROOM - DAY
HE-SAID, wearing only faded underwear, glares into the mirror and jabs the air with his fist.
SHE-SAID enters, laughs. He-Said stops, looks at her uncomprehending.
HE-SAID
“What?”
SHE-SAID
(shakes head)
“You just don’t feel embarrassment, do you? I respect that.
HE-SAID
“What was I doing...
That's You! (Quality TV Edition)
He Said: That’s you watching Men of a Certain Age:
She Said: No argument there. Ray Romano’s Joe Tranelli is my Sajaya. Wow, remember when he was a thing?
Men of a Certain Age is one of those shows for a specific audience - not male and not even “of a certain age.” You just have to love stuff like beautiful acting, perfect writing, massively flawed and funny...
Where Does the Money Go?
(Image from http://www.issues.cc/)
He Said: I bought some lemonade from a little kid today.
She Said: You did? That’s so cute! Why are you just telling me now?
He Said: Because I’m doing my expenses. What did you spend on laundry last week? Do we need more quarters?
She Said: Oh for f*ck’s sake…
Cute Couple
She Said: Years ago, I saw a guy at the Vancouver airport pushing his girlfriend in one of those luggage carts. They were both laughing, then she spread her arms wide and said, “Jack, I’m flying! I’m flying, Jack! Look! Are you looking?” And he goes, “Icebeeerrrrrg!” and they laughed harder. I loved them.
He Said: They were probably really good looking....
June 2011
5 posts
Best Foot Forward
She Said: You know how it’s a pain to match up socks after you do the laundry? Well, my husband implemented a system for easier pairing. Each sock has an “R” or an “L” and then a number, so they may come and go through his life like errant, smelly pigeons. Not a bad idea. What is a bad idea is making the labels visible from space:
He Said: They need to be big. ...
Making a Federal Suitcase Out of It
He Said: Writer Tucker Cawley won an Emmy for his Everybody Loves Raymond script “Baggage.” In the episode, Ray Barrone and his wife Debra get in a battle of who will be the person to bring a suitcase upstairs and put it away. Besides being a hilarious script, I think its popularity had to do with the fact it struck a chord with so many couples. Everybody has played their own...
Frances. That's a Real Grown Up Name.
She Said: I re-watched Dirty Dancing awhile ago and thought what a fetid piece of sh*t the Twilight movies are in comparison to it. Frances Houseman - named after the first woman in the Cabinet! - is everything that that vapid wimp is not: sweet, funny, brave, and the hero of her own story.
Since we did a breakdown of last week’s Bachelorette, I thought it would be good to counteract all...
This is the Last Time I Watch This
He said: So, my wife thought it might be interesting for us to watch The Bachelorette together. Then she got so mad at the episode, she could barely do the post, so it’s mostly me.
Here we go!
8:01
He said Okay, so this generic host guy with a haircut that’s too young for him just said that Ashley “sees her husband in this room.” If you actually make me watch this,...
Experiencing Technical Difficulties
He Said: Two more weeks till I see my wife again, and it’s got me thinking, she really seems to have a hard time… doing stuff.
When it comes to technology, it’s like she’s surrounded by an Idiot Force Field. She’ll pound at keyboards, scream at monitors large and small, and jab the buttons of every remote like a monkey confused why the banana isn’t...
May 2011
5 posts
Feeling Blue? Put Some Spunk in Your Step!
He Said: Remember this name - Gordon Gallup Jr. - ‘cause he’s gonna win the Nobel Peace Prize. Also, the Pulitzer Prize and the Man Booker Prize.
She Said: What did he do? Discover a cure for… everything?
He Said: Please! The scientific breakthrough you’re talking about is for imbeciles. Dr. Gallup Jr… or maybe it’s Honorable Lord Gallup… or...